What now?

This picture is from the first time I ever went to visit my wife after we met. It's one of my favorites because Mrs. Landingham, the cat, who she can't stand, was in the perfect place for me to pick her up and be in the picture. She is looking up as if to say: "I own this picture"

So we have been playing the waiting game for some time now, wondering what to do next with our lives. Some answers have come up to the surface, but mostly there are still questions. Finding a job that fits what I want to do has been hard to do. The recurring unhealthy thoughts that go through my head are full of self pity or bitterness toward other people. Even when I try to take a step back and look at the situation through the eyes of my relationship with Jesus, I just end up saying "what are You doing?"

I think that people generally have a concept of what they want for their lives. In the end, on the last day, we have a way by which we think we'll be able to judge whether we have gotten what we wanted or not. Some just want to have experienced happiness or pleasure, others want to have been counted as "good" people, and some would only be satisfied if they had made a name for themselves in some way. I'm sure there are other things that might be considered important, but lately, for me, it has been just one thing: I want to be useful. This is why my cry to God recently has consistently been "don't waste me!" As I've been thinking about this I have realized that it is an almost comical request for a couple of reasons; two things I have forgotten:
The first is that God has already promised that He will take care of me. He takes care of the birds and flowers, and I'm more precious to Him than these. And the moment I ask God to prove His faithfulness to me, He already has. He is the Creator of everything, of all things good, of me and everything good in my life. He has made my life so full in Him, but if I still don't believe I only have to look at the Cross. God has already given the very best thing! He gave Himself (God!) as a substitute on the Cross for all who believe. How can I think that God will not take care of me and use me in small ways when He has already done so in the very best way? If you believe the gospel message is true, and I do for several reasons, then this is a pretty good argument: Romans 8:32. There is no more fear that He will only be good to me when I am good to Him. Isn't that our immediate thought after we do something bad? 'Oh, God is really going to have it out for me now.' Or our thought when something bad has just happened to us? 'Well, I guess I had it coming this time.' The truth is that we always have it coming, and deserve the worst %100 of the time. It is common grace that God gives us which allows us to breathe, smell, taste, laugh, and all of the other things that we love. But those who are believers in Jesus stand on higher ground. We have grace available to us, based not on our own merit, but on the merit of the very best; Jesus! I don't get what I give, but what He gave. Booya!

This leads me to the second reason demanding of God "Don't waste me!" is comical: it's the exact thing that God has been saying to me all my life! I have been given the standing that Jesus has with God; I am His son, heir to the throne, possessing full life. I once was a slave but now I'm free, and I was dead but have been made alive. So the real issue is not what God is doing or needs to do in my life; He has done the most important thing in the world, and He will continue to take care of me. The real issue is am I wasting His gift by worrying and acting as if it wasn't given? When I begin to remember God's infinite, personal, and fatherly love for me I start to remember that I'm not wasting away; He is doing something great in my life, and I have the option to trust that and start living for real. It's up to me to take hold of that thought and trust Him, to take off my grave clothes, and not keep acting like a slave. If I do that then I get to experience joy and peace while He takes care of the stuff He was going to do anyway.

Favorites of the week
Food: chocolate meringue pie
Song: electric feel
Fact: earth's large ocean allows lubrication for earth's plates and plate tectonics. This allows for carbon dioxide rock cycle, greenhouse effect, and steady temperatures in our atmosphere.

C-of-C i love it! i love it! i love it!

So the Heels just had their first scrimmage last night and the Cougs have their first today. It was only a matter of time before the greatest picture EVER got released to this blog (All the best CofC fans in one place.)

If my left arm had been turned in a little it would have looked like my arms barely got over my head even when holding them straight up. Let's be honest: people already wonder that.

I decided I would write about two things this week: 1 - a picture of my sinful habits and 2 - a little about my family life the last two weeks with my grandmother (MawMaw) passing away.

1 - We crashed the college church lunch last Sunday to be with some of our YL leader friends and to score some free pot roast. I planned on not really talking to anyone so as to not give myself away, but this one guy introduced himself to me and started asking me about myself (dang you nice people!!!). So naturally I started lying. I am still a Comm major with a Psych minor, but I'm actually a senior at UNCW now. Bet none of ya'll knew that. So, of course, my wife comes up right after my lie, not knowing what a loser I have been, and introduces herself and me with truthful information. Busted! All this was followed by my silence and a speedy walk away after scooping some mashed potatoes on my plate. I kind of had to laugh at myself afterward just to avoid puking due to my grossness. I think I used to be somewhat of a compulsive lier/embellisher, but haven't really seen myself there for a while. I mean, I was no less perfect after lying than I was before the lie. Telling the truth wouldn't have made me a better person or qualified by my actions for more love from God. I think I identify daily with Paul when he calls himself the worst of sinners. Thank God that I am not made righteous by anything that I do. I forget that pretty easily, because people aren't like God; I'm not like God.

2 - It's been a real tough last few years with my MawMaw being sick for my whole family, and mostly for my grandfather (Danno) and my Mom. The past two weeks have definitely been a time of thinking "what the heck was that all about?" I got to talk at MawMaw's funeral about how grandparents always make you feel like a treasure; how I could never do wrong in the eyes of my MawMaw. Through that kind of love I developed a jealousy, loving her back because I was hers and I wanted her to be mine. So even when loving her in the later years was uncomfortable, I wanted to. In the 13th chapter of Matthew's gospel account Jesus says that a man found a treasure in a field and went and sold all he had to buy the field so he could have the treasure. The man he was talking about was himself; He gave all He had on the Cross, and we are the treasure. So we get to love the One back who loves us like the treasure we are to Him. The love He gave was uncomfortable and hard; harder than a parent or grandparent's love. That's what I feel like my MawMaw's life points to. But how do we, at the end of things say: "I am His and He is mine"? Most people, if they believe in Heaven, would still say something like "I'll try to do my best to get to Heaven." Man, how crappy is that!? The Man has payed all He had to buy the field, and the Treasure doesn't even know that He can say back "I belong to you." How does one belong to God? Scripture repeatedly tells us that the answer is simply "believe." It changes our whole lives. We become jealous for His love when we believe, and we start to love Him back. But even on days when we don't, when we tell people bold faced lies, we still lay safe in His pocket, because we have believed. I may be a loser with sinful habits occasionally surfacing on the day I die, but I'm goin' to Heaven people! Count on it.

Weekly favorites:

- Food: Orangeade

- Song: "Don't Give Up on Me" by Andrew Peterson

- Fact: The moon is 400x closer and 400x smaller than the Sun, making for a perfect Solar eclipse, and allowing us to study specific things about the universe. From this we have learned about spectra of stars, that gravity bends light, Earth's rotation changes, and have been able to date ancient calendars.